Once a month, we gather with some friends and discuss writings that teach Biblical principals and ideas or written by theologians. This past week was the first chapter of "A Grief Observed" written by C.S. Lewis. Here is an excerpt:
"... Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
I tried to put some of these thoughts to C. this afternoon. He reminded me that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ: 'Why hast Thou forsaken Me?'"
C.S. Lewis was writing after the death of his wife, but somehow I feel it applies to the way I feel about our suffering with this condition. Obviously the situations are different, but the feeling of loss, emptiness, and overwhelming loneliness are the same, if not nearly the same.
It seems ironic to say, that as a Christian I would ask "where is God" more, but as a Christian I know that there is a God and He seems distant. Vulvodynia affects everyone on a physical and emotional level, is it fair to say that as a Christian it also affects us on a spiritual level? Where is God? Why has He forsaken me?
Deut 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5b "because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"
If God says He will never leave or forsake us, is the feeling of abandonment then wrong-placed? Have we abandoned our focus on the Lord? Are we looking where we want answers and avoiding the areas of our lives in which He is giving them? Just a thought...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
The Funk
Part of the reason it has taken so long to write aside from morning sickness and overwhelming exhaustion, is the fear that somehow my view on our condition would matter less now that I am pregnant. Maybe this fear is stupid, maybe its not. Either way, I shouldn’t have assumed.
I have missed writing, I've missed being able to share my difficulties, and I've missed hoping something good will come out of them.
These last couple of months have been filled with doctor appointments and weddings. I am not sure about any of you, but every time I go to a wedding, I am reminded of my wedding night...and the failure. With that memory, I find myself heading into “the funk”. You know, its that place where reason leaves, your brain is blurry, and there is always that one rain cloud that follows you around and you can’t seem to get away.
My next step in “the funk” for me have been all the doctors appointments. Apparently unbeknownst to me, OBGYN’s expect you to see almost every doctor in the clinic, since you won’t know which doctor is on call the night you deliver. It insures that you have probably shook hands with the doctor who will be guiding you through labor. This seems completely reasonable until you realize that once a month you will be explaining to a new doctor that you still have vaginismus and could they go slow.
My last appointment was a doozy. The doctor seemed to think that giving me instructions on what I could and could not eat would be enough of a distraction to get me through my pap smear. Few doctors realize it is an involuntary muscle spasm, they think its control by fear. I think the involuntary muscle spasm controls the fear, not the other way around. Either way my muscles tried to refuse the exam and shut down on the alligator tool...thankfully they were already on their way out anyway. My body has been spasming since.
Job lost his children, he lost is livestock aka his job, and then he lost his health. All the while he didn’t curse God. Hearing his story, I found it perfectly reasonable for his to be in a funk. That is until God reminded him and me how powerful He is and who He is. Do we really have the right to question the One who created all things? Can we really think that He doesn’t know what we are going through?
“So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again!...
Savior, He can move the mountains my God is mighty to save! He is mighty to save!”
I have missed writing, I've missed being able to share my difficulties, and I've missed hoping something good will come out of them.
These last couple of months have been filled with doctor appointments and weddings. I am not sure about any of you, but every time I go to a wedding, I am reminded of my wedding night...and the failure. With that memory, I find myself heading into “the funk”. You know, its that place where reason leaves, your brain is blurry, and there is always that one rain cloud that follows you around and you can’t seem to get away.
My next step in “the funk” for me have been all the doctors appointments. Apparently unbeknownst to me, OBGYN’s expect you to see almost every doctor in the clinic, since you won’t know which doctor is on call the night you deliver. It insures that you have probably shook hands with the doctor who will be guiding you through labor. This seems completely reasonable until you realize that once a month you will be explaining to a new doctor that you still have vaginismus and could they go slow.
My last appointment was a doozy. The doctor seemed to think that giving me instructions on what I could and could not eat would be enough of a distraction to get me through my pap smear. Few doctors realize it is an involuntary muscle spasm, they think its control by fear. I think the involuntary muscle spasm controls the fear, not the other way around. Either way my muscles tried to refuse the exam and shut down on the alligator tool...thankfully they were already on their way out anyway. My body has been spasming since.
Job lost his children, he lost is livestock aka his job, and then he lost his health. All the while he didn’t curse God. Hearing his story, I found it perfectly reasonable for his to be in a funk. That is until God reminded him and me how powerful He is and who He is. Do we really have the right to question the One who created all things? Can we really think that He doesn’t know what we are going through?
“So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again!...
Savior, He can move the mountains my God is mighty to save! He is mighty to save!”
Monday, June 13, 2011
Crossed between both worlds
I have not written for a long time, as I am sure you can tell. This is in part due to not knowing what to write. I feel as though I have been put in a place of in between. Having achieved the impossible, sex and pregnancy, but still feeling extreme pain I feel that I no longer stand on one side or the other.
I'm very excited for our little miracle baby to arrive. Unfortunately, my doctor who has helped me make this achievement is no longer doing OB. Also, unexpectedly the practice expects you to see all OB's since you never know which doctor will be available during labor. So that being said, my first OB thinks that despite my vaginal issues I should try for a natural birth, they think it should remove the rest of my pain. This would be amazing, except I have my doubts. Most of the women in my family had trouble with the actual birthing process.
Its an interesting phenomenon, the things you desire most bring on there own challenges. Still dealing with pain, monthly exams and an internal ultrasound (did not know they did that), child birth, I know they will be worth it but all these things bring on new fears and the old need to rely on my Lord.
Jeremiah 29:111
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I think this post was more rambling than writing....
P.S. The internal ultrasound, though uncomfortable, went very well. Baby has a beautiful heartbeat :D Arrival is estimated for January 12th
I'm very excited for our little miracle baby to arrive. Unfortunately, my doctor who has helped me make this achievement is no longer doing OB. Also, unexpectedly the practice expects you to see all OB's since you never know which doctor will be available during labor. So that being said, my first OB thinks that despite my vaginal issues I should try for a natural birth, they think it should remove the rest of my pain. This would be amazing, except I have my doubts. Most of the women in my family had trouble with the actual birthing process.
Its an interesting phenomenon, the things you desire most bring on there own challenges. Still dealing with pain, monthly exams and an internal ultrasound (did not know they did that), child birth, I know they will be worth it but all these things bring on new fears and the old need to rely on my Lord.
Jeremiah 29:111
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I think this post was more rambling than writing....
P.S. The internal ultrasound, though uncomfortable, went very well. Baby has a beautiful heartbeat :D Arrival is estimated for January 12th
Monday, May 23, 2011
Long Overdue
My life has been chaotic, leaving little to no-time to write. However, writing has been long overdue.
My boss quit the salon I was working at and recently started a new one. Before I found out about the little bundle on the way, I had agreed to go with him. I thought there would be time, time before he moved, time to rest with his other assistant back in town, but there has been none.
Thankfully the schedule has not been a full one, and my boss is kind and very understanding of my physical needs to rest.
Unfortunately, that need to rest and the need to be sick is quickly progressing. Last week, I felt fine except most evenings. Now I feel sick all day, from the moment I wake up till going to bed.
Despite it all, the new job, the morning sickness, the baby on the way I am consistently reminded of the blessings and the fulfilled promises.
I was getting exhausted with my job, most assistants for my boss last a year and a half. I've been working with him for two and a half years and now I have an end date in site. My last day is Oct 29th. unless something outside of my control changes that. I have enjoyed working with him and he treats me very well, if I had to work I would definitely work with him. However, I am still excited that my last day is Oct 29th.
Now, for God's fulfilled promise. Actually, if you are overseas I would love to hear from you because you've played a special part.
In the earlier post God are You listening? I talked about how the Lord told me who my husband was going to be. The same girl, the metro girl, who had prophesied that Jesse would be my husband had made me another prophesy.
When I had called her to excitedly tell her of our engagement, she asked to pray for us. When she was praying she asked the Lord to bless us as we had our children while we were sharing scripture overseas. Apparently I didn't learn the first time, because I thought she was crazy. Jesse and I, didn't live overseas and weren't planning on it. Then when we got married and I started dealing with the vaginismus, I thought it would never happen. Amazingly enough, I started a blog, that talked about how scripture applied to our condition and the emotional issues that come with vulvodynia.
Sex is still painful, but possible and according to the stats I see some readers from overseas, and I am pregnant... So, I would love to hear from you!
Deut 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.
Daniel 9:4
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed and said, "Alas, O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant and lovingkindness for those who love Him and keep His commandments,
The Lord brought His people out of Egypt, He gave them their promised land, He promised the Messiah, Jesus Christ, His son, the man who was promised that he would not die till he saw Jesus as a baby; the Bible is full of examples of the Lord’s faithfulness and promises kept. -New Year's Resolutions
A baby is the promise He had given and is keeping to me and for him/her I am truly blessed.
P.S. With all the morning sickness it has been difficult to find to sit up and write through. So unfortunately this piece has not been edited to I apologize. Second, I would love it, if anyone who would be interested in sharing the story and how God has shown himself through their condition, would write me so we could have a guest writer.
So if you are from overseas or willing to be a guest writer or both, please send me an e-mail at
Veronica.P.Coleman@gmail.com
My boss quit the salon I was working at and recently started a new one. Before I found out about the little bundle on the way, I had agreed to go with him. I thought there would be time, time before he moved, time to rest with his other assistant back in town, but there has been none.
Thankfully the schedule has not been a full one, and my boss is kind and very understanding of my physical needs to rest.
Unfortunately, that need to rest and the need to be sick is quickly progressing. Last week, I felt fine except most evenings. Now I feel sick all day, from the moment I wake up till going to bed.
Despite it all, the new job, the morning sickness, the baby on the way I am consistently reminded of the blessings and the fulfilled promises.
I was getting exhausted with my job, most assistants for my boss last a year and a half. I've been working with him for two and a half years and now I have an end date in site. My last day is Oct 29th. unless something outside of my control changes that. I have enjoyed working with him and he treats me very well, if I had to work I would definitely work with him. However, I am still excited that my last day is Oct 29th.
Now, for God's fulfilled promise. Actually, if you are overseas I would love to hear from you because you've played a special part.
In the earlier post God are You listening? I talked about how the Lord told me who my husband was going to be. The same girl, the metro girl, who had prophesied that Jesse would be my husband had made me another prophesy.
When I had called her to excitedly tell her of our engagement, she asked to pray for us. When she was praying she asked the Lord to bless us as we had our children while we were sharing scripture overseas. Apparently I didn't learn the first time, because I thought she was crazy. Jesse and I, didn't live overseas and weren't planning on it. Then when we got married and I started dealing with the vaginismus, I thought it would never happen. Amazingly enough, I started a blog, that talked about how scripture applied to our condition and the emotional issues that come with vulvodynia.
Sex is still painful, but possible and according to the stats I see some readers from overseas, and I am pregnant... So, I would love to hear from you!
Deut 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.
Daniel 9:4
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed and said, "Alas, O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant and lovingkindness for those who love Him and keep His commandments,
The Lord brought His people out of Egypt, He gave them their promised land, He promised the Messiah, Jesus Christ, His son, the man who was promised that he would not die till he saw Jesus as a baby; the Bible is full of examples of the Lord’s faithfulness and promises kept. -New Year's Resolutions
A baby is the promise He had given and is keeping to me and for him/her I am truly blessed.
P.S. With all the morning sickness it has been difficult to find to sit up and write through. So unfortunately this piece has not been edited to I apologize. Second, I would love it, if anyone who would be interested in sharing the story and how God has shown himself through their condition, would write me so we could have a guest writer.
So if you are from overseas or willing to be a guest writer or both, please send me an e-mail at
Veronica.P.Coleman@gmail.com
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Small Delay
I did have plans to write. I thought through wording and pictures. I planned to do these things and I got distracted.
Apparently I've had very little break, from the time I lost my V-Card to actual pregnancy.
Pregnancy was something I thought would never happen due to the inability to actually have sex. With the birth control making me sick, and PIV not a possibility, I went off the pill a year and a half ago. When we did start having sex, it was a bit of a shock. I mean a good one, but we weren't actually prepared that sex would happen. Seeing as there has been some difficulty sliding into home, we avoided using the rubbers the other times.
I had what I thought would be my last gyno appointment on Thursday. My doctor informed me that all that needed to be done was practice, since I am significantly better. I decided to ask how to tell when I am ovulating. We looked at my cycle, he told me when I would ovulate and because I didn't have to go to the bathroom that was that. When I got home that evening, I looked at the calender.
The DAY that I lost my V-card began my ovulation cycle. So the next morning, I took a test and behold a plus sign. I've taken 3 more tests and the plus continues to show up and faster each time.
We are both truly excited and blessed to have the opportunity to be parents. It will however be challenging to deal with pregnancy symptoms and a sore vajay jay. So please keep us in your prayers.
Apparently I've had very little break, from the time I lost my V-Card to actual pregnancy.
Pregnancy was something I thought would never happen due to the inability to actually have sex. With the birth control making me sick, and PIV not a possibility, I went off the pill a year and a half ago. When we did start having sex, it was a bit of a shock. I mean a good one, but we weren't actually prepared that sex would happen. Seeing as there has been some difficulty sliding into home, we avoided using the rubbers the other times.
I had what I thought would be my last gyno appointment on Thursday. My doctor informed me that all that needed to be done was practice, since I am significantly better. I decided to ask how to tell when I am ovulating. We looked at my cycle, he told me when I would ovulate and because I didn't have to go to the bathroom that was that. When I got home that evening, I looked at the calender.
The DAY that I lost my V-card began my ovulation cycle. So the next morning, I took a test and behold a plus sign. I've taken 3 more tests and the plus continues to show up and faster each time.
We are both truly excited and blessed to have the opportunity to be parents. It will however be challenging to deal with pregnancy symptoms and a sore vajay jay. So please keep us in your prayers.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Bad Blogger Award
I deserve the bad blogger award. Constantly putting my writing on hold was not the plan, it just happened. I have two topics in mind, but have not had both adequate time and energy at the same time. Working extra hours at the salon has made my normally busy week chaotic. In addition, I started my Mary Kay business. (If you'd like, shop online with me at www.marykay.com/rcoleman1424 )
My salon work is supposed to slow down, so I hope to be back to my usual weekly comic posting self next week.
Now for the update I promised:
After what seemed like an eternity, I had resigned myself to the thought that I would be in a constant state of treatment. The doctor kept saying that I had come so far and that this time I should be able to try. The last appointment seemed like a failure, when I told him again that we had been unsuccessful.
He gave a few helpful suggestions:
1. Having a clean digestive system (eat your yogurt and your flax, constipation can cause unnecessary pressure)
2. Ladies, prop your bottoms up with pillows, angle change maybe part of what your looking for.
They made all the difference in the world. Since we had moved into our new home I refused to try the deed in our bedroom. I was so afraid I would turn yet another room into a place of failure. However, for some reason that particular Friday evening I wasn't thinking, and we were in our bedroom. We got half way there. Extremely exciting and nervous, Sunday night, I took a left over Vicodine (which I had received from my hymenotomy). The event was very slow and still very painful but we did it, we lost our V-cards. The moment I had waited so long for had come. I felt so stupid because I started to cry out of excitement. It felt so unreal, I had come to think it would never happen and then it did. The Lord is good, I will not forget all His goodness, for He has blessed me and I am full.
I still have extremely painful beginnings. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. Yet, once past a certain point it's bearable and occasionally good. I still have work to do, but coming this far...I'm just so excited to have come this far.
I hope that you are all having a painless or less painful day.
My salon work is supposed to slow down, so I hope to be back to my usual weekly comic posting self next week.
Now for the update I promised:
After what seemed like an eternity, I had resigned myself to the thought that I would be in a constant state of treatment. The doctor kept saying that I had come so far and that this time I should be able to try. The last appointment seemed like a failure, when I told him again that we had been unsuccessful.
He gave a few helpful suggestions:
1. Having a clean digestive system (eat your yogurt and your flax, constipation can cause unnecessary pressure)
2. Ladies, prop your bottoms up with pillows, angle change maybe part of what your looking for.
They made all the difference in the world. Since we had moved into our new home I refused to try the deed in our bedroom. I was so afraid I would turn yet another room into a place of failure. However, for some reason that particular Friday evening I wasn't thinking, and we were in our bedroom. We got half way there. Extremely exciting and nervous, Sunday night, I took a left over Vicodine (which I had received from my hymenotomy). The event was very slow and still very painful but we did it, we lost our V-cards. The moment I had waited so long for had come. I felt so stupid because I started to cry out of excitement. It felt so unreal, I had come to think it would never happen and then it did. The Lord is good, I will not forget all His goodness, for He has blessed me and I am full.
I still have extremely painful beginnings. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. Yet, once past a certain point it's bearable and occasionally good. I still have work to do, but coming this far...I'm just so excited to have come this far.
I hope that you are all having a painless or less painful day.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Quick Update, more to follow!
I am praising God! After weeks of what felt like a "standstill", I was able to have sex! Yes, PIV sex! It was very painful, but right now it doesn't matter.
I will give a little bit of a more detailed update later.
I will give a little bit of a more detailed update later.
What?
What would you all like me to write about? I've been working extra hrs at work this past week and had completely forgotten about posting until yesterday. This wouldn't be a big deal. I usually wrote my material on Saturday or Sunday afternoons, however I didn't have a topic. Even now, I still feel at a loss on what to write about...
So I thought I'd ask, what would you all like me to write about?
So I thought I'd ask, what would you all like me to write about?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
True Love Never Fails
After numerous attempts at intercourse and falling short every time, there is a wearing on your emotional sanity. There have been several times where I’ve encouraged my husband to leave me. This is not something you’d typically hear from someone who’s been married for only a couple years, a Christian, or someone who really loves their husband. However, the list above applies to me in every aspect. I’ve told him that it’s not like we’ve consummated, and that he should leave and find someone who “fits” him. He asked, “Why do you keep telling me I should leave?” I answered, “Because I’m not strong enough to leave you. I love you. I don’t want you to go, but I’d understand. Besides, I can’t leave you. We’re living with my parents...if I leave, I have nowhere to go.” Note: We don’t live there anymore. We are moved into a house, and now we both have a mortgage to pay. Talk about an insurance plan ;)
The last sentence had us both laughing, but I can’t help but think that this general thought has crossed the mind of many vulvodynia victims. Often times, I feel that I fall short of the standards of what a good wife should do or be able to do. This thought is a downward spiral. The feeling of inability becomes a feeling of unworthiness. I am incapable of giving love the way I ought to, therefore I am now worthy of receiving love.
Thinking through this brought to mind something I’ve heard all my life, but never really understood the way I should. Jesus took on the church as His bride. The church (a.k.a Christians) were never worthy to be the bride; they were incapable of being worthy. However, Christ loved us so much, that He took on what made us unworthy and died on the cross. Then He rose from the dead, so that all who believe can live with Him in heaven. He loved us before we were capable of loving Him.
When I was incapable, my husband loved me anyway. He took on my incapabilities and died to selfish desires. He did this so that I could live with him and help him pay the mortgage. ;)
I’d like to thank my husband for showing me love in a way that resembles Christ. Knowing I am in that kind of a relationship with my husband makes me feel that much more secure.
P.S. He claims that being my husband hasn’t been a complete sacrifice, and that I do have likeable qualities. I LOVE MY MAN!
The last sentence had us both laughing, but I can’t help but think that this general thought has crossed the mind of many vulvodynia victims. Often times, I feel that I fall short of the standards of what a good wife should do or be able to do. This thought is a downward spiral. The feeling of inability becomes a feeling of unworthiness. I am incapable of giving love the way I ought to, therefore I am now worthy of receiving love.
Thinking through this brought to mind something I’ve heard all my life, but never really understood the way I should. Jesus took on the church as His bride. The church (a.k.a Christians) were never worthy to be the bride; they were incapable of being worthy. However, Christ loved us so much, that He took on what made us unworthy and died on the cross. Then He rose from the dead, so that all who believe can live with Him in heaven. He loved us before we were capable of loving Him.
When I was incapable, my husband loved me anyway. He took on my incapabilities and died to selfish desires. He did this so that I could live with him and help him pay the mortgage. ;)
I’d like to thank my husband for showing me love in a way that resembles Christ. Knowing I am in that kind of a relationship with my husband makes me feel that much more secure.
P.S. He claims that being my husband hasn’t been a complete sacrifice, and that I do have likeable qualities. I LOVE MY MAN!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Showing Love When You Can't Give Physically Part:5
I feel like this post has been the hardest for me to write on a variety of levels, and I’ve been dreading it for weeks. My top love receptor had been physical touch for a long time (excluding sex, since I waited until I was married for that). While my husband and I were still dating, holding hands, kissing, and hugs had been my way of checking our relationship’s temperature. Now that I’m married, with vulvodynia plaguing my body, I’ve learned to steer away from using that particular receptor, instead relying on my quality time and words of affirmation. Writing this post has brought back the need for that love language to be filled, and the associated feeling of disappointment. I feel unworthy of love because I can’t fully express love in the way that I see love. The feeling of ups and downs has been invading my bubble of coping and self-defense. So please excuse the mild depression. With that brief preface, I will now delve in.
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch:
You or Your spouse withdraws when physical contact is withheld.
You or Your spouse compares other couple’s touchiness to the lack of your own touchiness.
You or Your spouse... well, see if the following pictures describe you because they’ve totally come out of my personal experience.
There are only 4 jobs that allow you to touch other people: doctor, masseuse, esthetician (now a separate licensing from cosmetology), and cosmetologist. I happen to be a cosmetologist (a.k.a. hair stylist) by trade, and let me tell you, hair stylists hear everything. A simple touch like shampooing a person’s hair or touching their shoulder creates a dynamic link that allows them to be comfortable, even vulnerable. You wouldn’t believe how many personal stories have been confided to me by people I’ve barely met. I sincerely believe that this vulnerability is important in a marriage. Some people are not touchy, and those people can become vulnerable with any of the other 4 love languages, but for many people, and especially those who's primary love language is physical touch, a touch can make or break a relationship.
Of all the jobs that women can do within marriage, one stands out that cannot be delegated. You can hire a maid to clean house, you can hire a chef to cook, and you can hire someone to do the family accounting and it would not be sin. (I am by no means saying women can’t work out of the home, I am merely addressing being the helpmate in a marriage.) However, to delegate physical touch of your spouse would be sin.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This is the depressing part for me. I am tempted to feel that I am incapable of performing my most basic duty; that I can’t share my body the way it was supposed to be shared. Thankfully, there are many ways to experience physical touch. There is hand holding, snuggling, kissing, massage, kissing during massage, snuggling while kissing, and well... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) many other possibilities; it’s not just limited to PIV (which, by the way, does not stand for peanuts in Virginia).
“Your best instructor is your spouse, of course… Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love.” --The 5 Love Languages.
The Bible doesn’t say “Do not deprive each other of PIV sex except by mutual consent”. I believe it applies to all pleasurable touch. As hard as it may be, it is acceptable to inform your husband that something is uncomfortable. You are teaching him how to love you, just like he will teach you how to love him. Furthermore, sometimes even non-sexual touches can cause desires that lead to uncomfortable/painful situations, like sex, and in those cases it might be necessary to practice using your other love receptors. Again, it can be hard, but it is important to discuss these things with your spouse before making this kind of decision. Of course, just because PIV sex is not necessarily possible (like in my case) or too painful, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to sexually enjoy each other’s bodies. My husband and I still have things we enjoy.
A special thanks to my commenters; it’s always nice to know that I’m being read, and I cherish your comments. P.S. Sorry for the one huge picture, I tried to make it a size smaller, but then the dialogue was unreadable.
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch:
You or Your spouse withdraws when physical contact is withheld.
You or Your spouse compares other couple’s touchiness to the lack of your own touchiness.
You or Your spouse... well, see if the following pictures describe you because they’ve totally come out of my personal experience.
There are only 4 jobs that allow you to touch other people: doctor, masseuse, esthetician (now a separate licensing from cosmetology), and cosmetologist. I happen to be a cosmetologist (a.k.a. hair stylist) by trade, and let me tell you, hair stylists hear everything. A simple touch like shampooing a person’s hair or touching their shoulder creates a dynamic link that allows them to be comfortable, even vulnerable. You wouldn’t believe how many personal stories have been confided to me by people I’ve barely met. I sincerely believe that this vulnerability is important in a marriage. Some people are not touchy, and those people can become vulnerable with any of the other 4 love languages, but for many people, and especially those who's primary love language is physical touch, a touch can make or break a relationship.
Of all the jobs that women can do within marriage, one stands out that cannot be delegated. You can hire a maid to clean house, you can hire a chef to cook, and you can hire someone to do the family accounting and it would not be sin. (I am by no means saying women can’t work out of the home, I am merely addressing being the helpmate in a marriage.) However, to delegate physical touch of your spouse would be sin.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This is the depressing part for me. I am tempted to feel that I am incapable of performing my most basic duty; that I can’t share my body the way it was supposed to be shared. Thankfully, there are many ways to experience physical touch. There is hand holding, snuggling, kissing, massage, kissing during massage, snuggling while kissing, and well... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) many other possibilities; it’s not just limited to PIV (which, by the way, does not stand for peanuts in Virginia).
“Your best instructor is your spouse, of course… Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love.” --The 5 Love Languages.
The Bible doesn’t say “Do not deprive each other of PIV sex except by mutual consent”. I believe it applies to all pleasurable touch. As hard as it may be, it is acceptable to inform your husband that something is uncomfortable. You are teaching him how to love you, just like he will teach you how to love him. Furthermore, sometimes even non-sexual touches can cause desires that lead to uncomfortable/painful situations, like sex, and in those cases it might be necessary to practice using your other love receptors. Again, it can be hard, but it is important to discuss these things with your spouse before making this kind of decision. Of course, just because PIV sex is not necessarily possible (like in my case) or too painful, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to sexually enjoy each other’s bodies. My husband and I still have things we enjoy.
A special thanks to my commenters; it’s always nice to know that I’m being read, and I cherish your comments. P.S. Sorry for the one huge picture, I tried to make it a size smaller, but then the dialogue was unreadable.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 4 Update: Now with Comics
After such a long post break, I feel like I should apologize for this post not being absolutely amazing!
Moving in has been challenging, but I am now down to just a few more boxes. Unfortunately, in one of those boxes...somewhere...are my comic strip materials. So I hope to add my illustrations Wednesday evening. Update: Comics are added. Sorry it was Thursday instead. Our puppy, previously in my mother-in-law’s care, and our cat have put the challenge in challenging. Both are trying to assert dominance over the other.
Now the moment you’ve been waiting for (unless you were waiting for comics, in which case,Wednesday Thursday will be the night you’ve been waiting for), A REAL POST!
Recap:
For those who are new to Christians with Vulvodynia; first, welcome and second, last we left off we were in the middle of the series, “How to show love when you feel like you can’t give physically” based off Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. You can read the first post on quality time here, the second post of words of affirmation here, and the third post on acts of service here.
Receiving Gifts:
Out of the five, this is one of the harder for me to write about. Personally, I could care less about how often I receive gifts, but I love to give gifts. Gift giving is how I show love. This being the case, I thought this subject would be easier, however I’ve really had to think about it. My husband being the recipient of my loving (aka gifts), and the observer of my excitement over his birthday, his Christmas presents, his anniversary presents, phrased the phenomenon best: “Giving a gift is so personal, it is giving part of yourself.”
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts:
You or your spouse complain that nothing is ever brought to them
You or your spouse complain about the impersonality of gifts received
You or your spouse compare gifts given them versus others have received
You or your spouse hoard received presents or cards (beware of many many memory boxes)
You or your spouse react positively to even small received gifts (if personal)
The book talks about how a gift is a physical symbol of the status of the relationship. i.e. wedding rings. Personally, I look at it as a measurement of depth within a relationship; how much someone really knows or cares about you. For example, my husband is an electronics guy... more specifically an apple guy. He’s not, however, a tool guy. The men at our church generously threw him a tool party before our wedding. The tools were only recently used. My husband has used the tools some since we’ve moved into our own place, but not as much as his mother and I have, and definitely not as much as his Apple TV (my valentines day gift to him ;) )
Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’
2 Corinthians 9:7
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Isn’t it amazing that all love forms are covered in the Bible? Gift giving and receiving is known in many cultures and through a multitude of generations as one of the most common yet uniquely personal symbol of love.
With the economy at this time, a spouse who’s love language is receiving gifts (giving gifts (as in my case)) can seem terrifying, however the importance of a gift is the thought. Thought is what makes is personal, gives it meaning, and creates depth. Therefore, a gift (that is personal) need not be expensive.
Looking at the way I’ve gushed about gifts, and my list of tell-tale signs...I just might need to reexamine myself. Update: My husband laughs at my hoards of memory boxes and has threatened trash bags before, so yes this gets personal.
P.S. Next week I hope to cover the last of the five that relates closely to our condition.
Moving in has been challenging, but I am now down to just a few more boxes. Unfortunately, in one of those boxes...somewhere...are my comic strip materials. So I hope to add my illustrations Wednesday evening. Update: Comics are added. Sorry it was Thursday instead. Our puppy, previously in my mother-in-law’s care, and our cat have put the challenge in challenging. Both are trying to assert dominance over the other.
Now the moment you’ve been waiting for (unless you were waiting for comics, in which case,
Recap:
For those who are new to Christians with Vulvodynia; first, welcome and second, last we left off we were in the middle of the series, “How to show love when you feel like you can’t give physically” based off Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. You can read the first post on quality time here, the second post of words of affirmation here, and the third post on acts of service here.
Receiving Gifts:
Out of the five, this is one of the harder for me to write about. Personally, I could care less about how often I receive gifts, but I love to give gifts. Gift giving is how I show love. This being the case, I thought this subject would be easier, however I’ve really had to think about it. My husband being the recipient of my loving (aka gifts), and the observer of my excitement over his birthday, his Christmas presents, his anniversary presents, phrased the phenomenon best: “Giving a gift is so personal, it is giving part of yourself.”
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts:
You or your spouse complain that nothing is ever brought to them
You or your spouse complain about the impersonality of gifts received
You or your spouse compare gifts given them versus others have received
You or your spouse hoard received presents or cards (beware of many many memory boxes)
You or your spouse react positively to even small received gifts (if personal)
The book talks about how a gift is a physical symbol of the status of the relationship. i.e. wedding rings. Personally, I look at it as a measurement of depth within a relationship; how much someone really knows or cares about you. For example, my husband is an electronics guy... more specifically an apple guy. He’s not, however, a tool guy. The men at our church generously threw him a tool party before our wedding. The tools were only recently used. My husband has used the tools some since we’ve moved into our own place, but not as much as his mother and I have, and definitely not as much as his Apple TV (my valentines day gift to him ;) )
Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’
2 Corinthians 9:7
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Isn’t it amazing that all love forms are covered in the Bible? Gift giving and receiving is known in many cultures and through a multitude of generations as one of the most common yet uniquely personal symbol of love.
With the economy at this time, a spouse who’s love language is receiving gifts (giving gifts (as in my case)) can seem terrifying, however the importance of a gift is the thought. Thought is what makes is personal, gives it meaning, and creates depth. Therefore, a gift (that is personal) need not be expensive.
Looking at the way I’ve gushed about gifts, and my list of tell-tale signs...I just might need to reexamine myself. Update: My husband laughs at my hoards of memory boxes and has threatened trash bags before, so yes this gets personal.
P.S. Next week I hope to cover the last of the five that relates closely to our condition.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Update Soon to Come
We have officially moved to the new place, which means:
I am closer to actually posting a real post. Unfortunately we do not get internet until next week, so I can't scan my comics until next Monday night. (I am at my mom's to post this update)
This week has been hard because, in the process of cleaning, moving boxes and organizing, my vajay-jay muscles have been spasming. It's amazing how one's body being tense affects everything else.
My mind has turned to mush.
One thing I did want to post was a link to my church's sermon audio podcast. It was called the Least of These and it is based on the lesson that our worth is in the fact that we are created by God and with purpose. It's the top on the list and called The Least of the These.
Till next week, hope you will have painless or less painful week.
I am closer to actually posting a real post. Unfortunately we do not get internet until next week, so I can't scan my comics until next Monday night. (I am at my mom's to post this update)
This week has been hard because, in the process of cleaning, moving boxes and organizing, my vajay-jay muscles have been spasming. It's amazing how one's body being tense affects everything else.
My mind has turned to mush.
One thing I did want to post was a link to my church's sermon audio podcast. It was called the Least of These and it is based on the lesson that our worth is in the fact that we are created by God and with purpose. It's the top on the list and called The Least of the These.
Till next week, hope you will have painless or less painful week.
Monday, March 14, 2011
An update on my list
The delay has been longer than anticipated. My guess is I will be back to my normal posting-self (with pictures too) in about two weeks.
My gyno appointment went well, I was able to get the 3rd size dilator in. However, it was extremely uncomfortable and I was sore for days after. Now that I am looser in the offending area, I feel the muscle spasms, he said I was having, almost everyday. So instead of only provoked pain, I have uncomfortability (word? I don't know) shooting from offending area down my right leg.
Painting is still happening, but today should be the last day, if not, definitely tomorrow.
The vet appointment was hard. As it turned out, my cat, Mousey, had ungloved the tip of his tail. Leaving only a few muscle tendons and some uncovered bone, so the vet had to snip the tip off. His tail is now 1/2 an inch shorter. And poor Mousey will never grow hair on the very tip again. However, it is healing well.
Moving should commence this Saturday, however, that will give me very little time to give a regular update, so I am setting a goal to finish the showing love series two weeks from now.
Hope you are all have a painless or less painful day.
My gyno appointment went well, I was able to get the 3rd size dilator in. However, it was extremely uncomfortable and I was sore for days after. Now that I am looser in the offending area, I feel the muscle spasms, he said I was having, almost everyday. So instead of only provoked pain, I have uncomfortability (word? I don't know) shooting from offending area down my right leg.
Painting is still happening, but today should be the last day, if not, definitely tomorrow.
The vet appointment was hard. As it turned out, my cat, Mousey, had ungloved the tip of his tail. Leaving only a few muscle tendons and some uncovered bone, so the vet had to snip the tip off. His tail is now 1/2 an inch shorter. And poor Mousey will never grow hair on the very tip again. However, it is healing well.
Moving should commence this Saturday, however, that will give me very little time to give a regular update, so I am setting a goal to finish the showing love series two weeks from now.
Hope you are all have a painless or less painful day.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A List of My Excuses For Not Posting A Real Post
We closed on our town house on Tuesday, so I have been running behind on writing the series. So unfortunately the series is postponed for a little while. I will post on the facebook Vulvodynia Support site when I have updated again.
Now for the list of reasons I can't post a real post
Lots of painting
Working hours later than my scheduled work day
More painting
Cleaning
Gyno appointment in the morning
And last but not least, I came home this evening to find that my baby kitty (Mousey) had an unfortunate accident. While closing a door, he let his tail slip into the hinge...He snipped off the tip of his tail. It looks so sad... Thankfully my mom was around so she was able to tend to it and called me.
And the actual last thing, the tail snippage has not seemed to affect him at all. He's running around as fast as his legs can carry him, with his pathetic tail waving behind...
Now for the list of reasons I can't post a real post
Lots of painting
Working hours later than my scheduled work day
More painting
Cleaning
Gyno appointment in the morning
And last but not least, I came home this evening to find that my baby kitty (Mousey) had an unfortunate accident. While closing a door, he let his tail slip into the hinge...He snipped off the tip of his tail. It looks so sad... Thankfully my mom was around so she was able to tend to it and called me.
And the actual last thing, the tail snippage has not seemed to affect him at all. He's running around as fast as his legs can carry him, with his pathetic tail waving behind...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 3
Right now I am in a series covering five love languages, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can read the first post on quality time here and the second post of words of affirmation here.
Acts of Service:
My husband’s love language is acts of service, which means he loves it when I do chores. I hate chores. However, my mother trained me to do them because her husband’s (my father) love language is also acts of service. Activities like cooking dinner transform from a duty to an action of love. Its like killing two birds with one stone. However, there is a problem when my husband tries to use his love language on me. I appreciate that he takes out the trash and washes the dishes but that’s not how I feel love..but we covered that in Quality time and Words of Affirmation.
Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is Acts of Service:
You or your spouse complain that they never help.
You or your spouse complain that nothing ever gets done.
You or your spouse attack whatever seems to take time away from chores.
1 Corinthians 13:5
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
When you’re with someone whose language is acts of service, simply asking, “What can I do to help?” can speak love in volumes.
Philippians 2:3-5
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
What attitude did Jesus have?
John 13:12-15
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.
Imagine two pitchers full of water. If one pitcher is pouring into the other and the other pitcher doesn’t pour into the first, the first will eventually become dry. If they pour into each other, neither will get dry. We have to remember love-making is about serving the other. True love-making is a husband serving his wife as his wife serves her husband.
You cannot be selfish when you are making love or it loses meaning. Your desire should be to show your spouse love.
Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
Acts of Service:
My husband’s love language is acts of service, which means he loves it when I do chores. I hate chores. However, my mother trained me to do them because her husband’s (my father) love language is also acts of service. Activities like cooking dinner transform from a duty to an action of love. Its like killing two birds with one stone. However, there is a problem when my husband tries to use his love language on me. I appreciate that he takes out the trash and washes the dishes but that’s not how I feel love..but we covered that in Quality time and Words of Affirmation.
Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is Acts of Service:
You or your spouse complain that they never help.
You or your spouse complain that nothing ever gets done.
You or your spouse attack whatever seems to take time away from chores.
1 Corinthians 13:5
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
When you’re with someone whose language is acts of service, simply asking, “What can I do to help?” can speak love in volumes.
Philippians 2:3-5
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
What attitude did Jesus have?
John 13:12-15
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.
Imagine two pitchers full of water. If one pitcher is pouring into the other and the other pitcher doesn’t pour into the first, the first will eventually become dry. If they pour into each other, neither will get dry. We have to remember love-making is about serving the other. True love-making is a husband serving his wife as his wife serves her husband.
You cannot be selfish when you are making love or it loses meaning. Your desire should be to show your spouse love.
Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Post Delay
Dear Readers,
I must apologize. I accidentally took a xanax (part of my assigned exercise routine from the Doctor) before finishing up my drawings and post editing, and needless to say I am between the fuzzy part of mind-thought and clear thinking. It feels much like a dream where the radio is playing in the background and you realize that it is not a radio but your alarm clock...actually that sentence made a lot more sense before I wrote it. I fear I am going to wake up tomorrow and regret having posted this apology now.
Before I continue to humiliate myself, I'm truly sorry for the let down. My regular Monday post will now be postponed until either late Monday Evening or Tuesday morning.
By the way, my husband and I are getting ready to close on a town house tomorrow (another reason for the delay (helps me sound less like a failure)), please pray that it would actually happen tomorrow.
Have a painless or less painful day!
I must apologize. I accidentally took a xanax (part of my assigned exercise routine from the Doctor) before finishing up my drawings and post editing, and needless to say I am between the fuzzy part of mind-thought and clear thinking. It feels much like a dream where the radio is playing in the background and you realize that it is not a radio but your alarm clock...actually that sentence made a lot more sense before I wrote it. I fear I am going to wake up tomorrow and regret having posted this apology now.
Before I continue to humiliate myself, I'm truly sorry for the let down. My regular Monday post will now be postponed until either late Monday Evening or Tuesday morning.
By the way, my husband and I are getting ready to close on a town house tomorrow (another reason for the delay (helps me sound less like a failure)), please pray that it would actually happen tomorrow.
Have a painless or less painful day!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 2
Right now I am in a series covering five love languages, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can read last week’s post on quality time here.
Words of Affirmation:
Last post I mentioned that quality time was my primary love language. However, “Words of Affirmation” is my secondary love language. I have always appreciated compliments and they, like sunshine, positively effect my mood. Criticism is almost worse than rain. I hate rain. (In a movie, when it rains, you know that either something sad just happened, or is about to happen.)
Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is “Words of Affirmation”:
- You or your spouse complain that your hard work is not appreciated.
- You or your spouse complain that you don’t seem needed in the relationship.
- You or your spouse attack another person who appears to be admired more (see example below).
Affirming one another speaks love by way of understanding the other as they are, communicating need of the other as they are, and conveying true appreciation for the other as they are. It is the acknowledgment that your spouse is an important, non-expendable part of your relationship. Love language or not, affirming one another is of utmost importance, because it allows vulnerability, which is part of being intimate and one with your spouse. I am most vulnerable when I feel safe, and part of feeling safe is knowing that my husband loves me with or without my broken vagina. That knowledge is imparted by the act of verbal communication.
The Bible actually has a lot to say about the use of words. The harlot’s job was satisfying - not captivating (Proverbs 5:19) - simple men, and Proverbs 7 talks a lot about how she “set the mood”, as it were. Yes, It talks about her having a sexy outfit, and nice perfumed bed sheets, but most importantly it talks about her speech.
Proverbs 7:21
With her flattering lips she seduced him.
Her speech is what seduced him. In many cases of men who left their wives, they left for a woman who respected and flattered them. Now, flattery is empty because there is no knowledge that gives it meaning, but as a husband and a wife, you can encourage one another because you know each other. You have knowledge to back up your uplifting words, so rather than just flattery, you have the potential to give real compliments. You know the good things and the bad things, but you see each other for the good things.
For me, words of affirmation play a significant part in the intimate interactions with my husband. Even with the progress I have made with expanding my, ahem, “problem area”, we still can’t have intercourse, and touch in that vicinity is uncomfortably sensitive. Therefore, with intimate interactions, I become self-conscious. If I can’t have sex, I want at least to be sexy. My husband enables me to not only feel sexy but be vulnerable by showering me with kind and loving words during these times.
Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down the heart,
but a kind word cheers it up.
Everyone who’s heard the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” know that it’s a load of … rubbish. Words can hurt. Words can deceive. However, words also have the power to bond, heal, and uplift. And for some people (like me), these words of affirmation are instrumental in communicating love.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Showing Love, When You Can't Give Physically
When I was single, I didn’t like Valentine’s day. People holding hands was only a reminder that I didn’t have anybody to hold hands with. I had one Valentines day with my husband before we got married, and I loved it. After I got married, however, it was once again a reminder of something I didn’t have: that while other girls would buy lingerie and wait to be ravished by their guys, I wouldn’t be able to give that experience to my husband. Stupid Valentine’s Day.
Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love
Our bodies are suppose to be satisfying, and they can be, just not in the traditional way. Often times, I am concerned that I will lose my husband because I can’t have intercourse, even though the Bible says that he will be captivated by my love. We are on the quest to make sex a possibility in our love-life, however it is important not to lose the “love” in the process.
I need to remember that love is not about sex. So the question then becomes, how do we show love, if not through intercourse? There is a book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, where he talks about how people can see and show love in multiple ways. Chapman covers five different ways to show love: quality time, words of admiration, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to delve into each of these five love languages from a Biblical and personal perspective.
Quality Time:
“Many of us...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.” -The Five Love Languages
I like the word “relationship”, because to me “relationship” means “quality time”. To have a relationship with someone, you have to spend time with them. This is one of my number one ways to experience love. I am constantly asking my husband to spend more time with me. To me, time with my husband is me giving part of my life to him and visa-versa. That is part of my life/time I will never get back, but I am okay with that because he is worth it. :) When he does it for me, well hot-damn, I feel precious to him!
Tell-tale signs you or your spouse’s primary love language is quality time:
In the movie Shall We Dance, the wife hires a detective because she suspects her husband of cheating (because he is not home with her), only to find he’s dancing. My favorite quote comes when the detective asks her why she thinks people get married, if not for passion. This is her answer:
“Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything --
the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...All of it. All the time, everyday. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’”
In many ways it’s true. I mean, obviously, God fulfills all our needs. He witnesses and notices our lives.
But then the Lord says in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone, and then in Genesis 4:1 He talks about how Adam knew Eve. In marriage and in love-making there is a profound vulnerability that comes from walking together and knowing one another. As a wife, it is my job to be a helpmate to my husband, by sharing and witnessing his life - by knowing him.
(Notice I say “love-making” or “knowing”, and not sex or intercourse. I say that because love-making isn’t sex, it isn’t intercourse, it is so much more. It can include those things, but by definition “love-making” is showing love in an intimate way, beyond the cheapness that sex has become.)
With people who’s primary love language is quality time, it becomes extremely important to dedicate focused time to the relationship with them. My husband and I won’t be having sex tonight, but we’ll be love-making... by spending some quality time over sushi. :)
Happy Valentines Day :)
Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love
Our bodies are suppose to be satisfying, and they can be, just not in the traditional way. Often times, I am concerned that I will lose my husband because I can’t have intercourse, even though the Bible says that he will be captivated by my love. We are on the quest to make sex a possibility in our love-life, however it is important not to lose the “love” in the process.
I need to remember that love is not about sex. So the question then becomes, how do we show love, if not through intercourse? There is a book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, where he talks about how people can see and show love in multiple ways. Chapman covers five different ways to show love: quality time, words of admiration, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to delve into each of these five love languages from a Biblical and personal perspective.
Quality Time:
“Many of us...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.” -The Five Love Languages
I like the word “relationship”, because to me “relationship” means “quality time”. To have a relationship with someone, you have to spend time with them. This is one of my number one ways to experience love. I am constantly asking my husband to spend more time with me. To me, time with my husband is me giving part of my life to him and visa-versa. That is part of my life/time I will never get back, but I am okay with that because he is worth it. :) When he does it for me, well hot-damn, I feel precious to him!
Tell-tale signs you or your spouse’s primary love language is quality time:
- You or your spouse complain about time not spent together
- You or your spouse complain that there is not enough one-on-one time
- You or your spouse attack the perceived thief of time (job, friends, family, etc.) My husband can attest to this.
In the movie Shall We Dance, the wife hires a detective because she suspects her husband of cheating (because he is not home with her), only to find he’s dancing. My favorite quote comes when the detective asks her why she thinks people get married, if not for passion. This is her answer:
“Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything --
the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...All of it. All the time, everyday. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’”
In many ways it’s true. I mean, obviously, God fulfills all our needs. He witnesses and notices our lives.
But then the Lord says in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone, and then in Genesis 4:1 He talks about how Adam knew Eve. In marriage and in love-making there is a profound vulnerability that comes from walking together and knowing one another. As a wife, it is my job to be a helpmate to my husband, by sharing and witnessing his life - by knowing him.
(Notice I say “love-making” or “knowing”, and not sex or intercourse. I say that because love-making isn’t sex, it isn’t intercourse, it is so much more. It can include those things, but by definition “love-making” is showing love in an intimate way, beyond the cheapness that sex has become.)
With people who’s primary love language is quality time, it becomes extremely important to dedicate focused time to the relationship with them. My husband and I won’t be having sex tonight, but we’ll be love-making... by spending some quality time over sushi. :)
Happy Valentines Day :)
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