Showing Love, When You Can't Give Physically

When I was single, I didn’t like Valentine’s day.  People holding hands was only a reminder that I didn’t have anybody to hold hands with.  I had one Valentines day with my husband before we got married, and I loved it.  After I got married, however, it was once again a reminder of something I didn’t have: that while other girls would buy lingerie and wait to be ravished by their guys, I wouldn’t be able to give that experience to my husband. Stupid Valentine’s Day.

Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed,
     and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
     may her breasts satisfy you always,
     may you ever be captivated by her love


Our bodies are suppose to be satisfying, and they can be, just not in the traditional way.  Often times, I am concerned that I will lose my husband because I can’t have intercourse, even though the Bible says that he will be captivated by my love. We are on the quest to make sex a possibility in our love-life, however it is important not to lose the “love” in the process.

I need to remember that love is not about sex.  So the question then becomes, how do we show love, if not through intercourse?  There is a book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, where he talks about how people can see and show love in multiple ways. Chapman covers five different ways to show love: quality time, words of admiration, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to delve into each of these five love languages from a Biblical and personal perspective.

Quality Time:
“Many of us...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions.  We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.” -The Five Love Languages

I like the word “relationship”, because to me “relationship” means “quality time”.  To have a relationship with someone, you have to spend time with them.  This is one of my number one ways to experience love.  I am constantly asking my husband to spend more time with me.  To me, time with my husband is me giving part of my life to him and visa-versa.  That is part of my life/time I will never get back, but I am okay with that because he is worth it.  :) When he does it for me, well hot-damn, I feel precious to him!

Tell-tale signs you or your spouse’s primary love language is quality time:

• You or your spouse complain about time not spent together
• You or your spouse complain that there is not enough one-on-one time
• You or your spouse attack the perceived thief of time (job, friends, family, etc.)  My husband can attest to this. 

In the movie Shall We Dance, the wife hires a detective because she suspects her husband of cheating (because he is not home with her), only to find he’s dancing.  My favorite quote comes when the detective asks her why she thinks people get married, if not for passion.  This is her answer:

“Because we need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean?  But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything --
the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...All of it.  All the time, everyday.   You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’”


In many ways it’s true.  I mean, obviously, God fulfills all our needs. He witnesses and notices our lives.


But then the Lord says in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone, and then in Genesis 4:1 He talks about how Adam knew Eve.  In marriage and in love-making there is a profound vulnerability that comes from walking together and knowing one another.  As a wife, it is my job to be a helpmate to my husband, by sharing and witnessing his life - by knowing him.


(Notice I say “love-making” or “knowing”, and not sex or intercourse.  I say that because love-making isn’t sex, it isn’t intercourse, it is so much more.  It can include those things, but by definition “love-making” is showing love in an intimate way, beyond the cheapness that sex has become.)


With people who’s primary love language is quality time, it becomes extremely important to dedicate focused time to the relationship with them.  My husband and I won’t be having sex tonight, but we’ll be love-making... by spending some quality time over sushi. :)

Happy Valentines Day :)