Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 2

Right now I am in a series covering five love languages, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can read last week’s post on quality time here.  

Words of Affirmation:
Last post I mentioned that quality time was my primary love language.  However, “Words of Affirmation” is my secondary love language.  I have always appreciated compliments and they, like sunshine, positively effect my mood.  Criticism is almost worse than rain. I hate rain.  (In a movie, when it rains, you know that either something sad just happened, or is about to happen.)

Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is “Words of Affirmation”:

• You or your spouse complain that your hard work is not appreciated.
• You or your spouse complain that you don’t seem needed in the relationship.
• You or your spouse attack another person who appears to be admired more (see example below).

Affirming one another speaks love by way of understanding the other as they are, communicating need of the other as they are, and conveying true appreciation for the other as they are.  It is the acknowledgment that your spouse is an important, non-expendable part of your relationship.  Love language or not, affirming one another is of utmost importance, because it allows vulnerability, which is part of being intimate and one with your spouse.  I am most vulnerable when I feel safe, and part of feeling safe is knowing that my husband loves me with or without my broken vagina.  That knowledge is imparted by the act of verbal communication.

The Bible actually has a lot to say about the use of words.  The harlot’s job was satisfying - not captivating (Proverbs 5:19) - simple men, and Proverbs 7 talks a lot about how she “set the mood”, as it were.  Yes, It talks about her having a sexy outfit, and nice perfumed bed sheets, but most importantly it talks about her speech.

Proverbs 7:21
With her flattering lips she seduced him.

Her speech is what seduced him.  In many cases of men who left their wives, they left for a woman who respected and flattered them.  Now, flattery is empty because there is no knowledge that gives it meaning, but as a husband and a wife, you can encourage one another because you know each other. You have knowledge to back up your uplifting words, so rather than just flattery, you have the potential to give real compliments.  You know the good things and the bad things, but you see each other for the good things.

For me, words of affirmation play a significant part in the intimate interactions with my husband.  Even with the progress I have made with expanding my, ahem, “problem area”, we still can’t have intercourse, and touch in that vicinity is uncomfortably sensitive.  Therefore, with intimate interactions, I become self-conscious.  If I can’t have sex, I want at least to be sexy.  My husband enables me to not only feel sexy but be vulnerable by showering me with kind and loving words during these times.

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down the heart,
  but a kind word cheers it up.

Everyone who’s heard the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” know that it’s a load of … rubbish.  Words can hurt.  Words can deceive.  However, words also have the power to bond, heal, and uplift.  And for some people (like me), these words of affirmation are instrumental in communicating love.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
  and those who love it will eat its fruit.