What would you all like me to write about? I've been working extra hrs at work this past week and had completely forgotten about posting until yesterday. This wouldn't be a big deal. I usually wrote my material on Saturday or Sunday afternoons, however I didn't have a topic. Even now, I still feel at a loss on what to write about...
So I thought I'd ask, what would you all like me to write about?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
True Love Never Fails
After numerous attempts at intercourse and falling short every time, there is a wearing on your emotional sanity. There have been several times where I’ve encouraged my husband to leave me. This is not something you’d typically hear from someone who’s been married for only a couple years, a Christian, or someone who really loves their husband. However, the list above applies to me in every aspect. I’ve told him that it’s not like we’ve consummated, and that he should leave and find someone who “fits” him. He asked, “Why do you keep telling me I should leave?” I answered, “Because I’m not strong enough to leave you. I love you. I don’t want you to go, but I’d understand. Besides, I can’t leave you. We’re living with my parents...if I leave, I have nowhere to go.” Note: We don’t live there anymore. We are moved into a house, and now we both have a mortgage to pay. Talk about an insurance plan ;)
The last sentence had us both laughing, but I can’t help but think that this general thought has crossed the mind of many vulvodynia victims. Often times, I feel that I fall short of the standards of what a good wife should do or be able to do. This thought is a downward spiral. The feeling of inability becomes a feeling of unworthiness. I am incapable of giving love the way I ought to, therefore I am now worthy of receiving love.
Thinking through this brought to mind something I’ve heard all my life, but never really understood the way I should. Jesus took on the church as His bride. The church (a.k.a Christians) were never worthy to be the bride; they were incapable of being worthy. However, Christ loved us so much, that He took on what made us unworthy and died on the cross. Then He rose from the dead, so that all who believe can live with Him in heaven. He loved us before we were capable of loving Him.
When I was incapable, my husband loved me anyway. He took on my incapabilities and died to selfish desires. He did this so that I could live with him and help him pay the mortgage. ;)
I’d like to thank my husband for showing me love in a way that resembles Christ. Knowing I am in that kind of a relationship with my husband makes me feel that much more secure.
P.S. He claims that being my husband hasn’t been a complete sacrifice, and that I do have likeable qualities. I LOVE MY MAN!
The last sentence had us both laughing, but I can’t help but think that this general thought has crossed the mind of many vulvodynia victims. Often times, I feel that I fall short of the standards of what a good wife should do or be able to do. This thought is a downward spiral. The feeling of inability becomes a feeling of unworthiness. I am incapable of giving love the way I ought to, therefore I am now worthy of receiving love.
Thinking through this brought to mind something I’ve heard all my life, but never really understood the way I should. Jesus took on the church as His bride. The church (a.k.a Christians) were never worthy to be the bride; they were incapable of being worthy. However, Christ loved us so much, that He took on what made us unworthy and died on the cross. Then He rose from the dead, so that all who believe can live with Him in heaven. He loved us before we were capable of loving Him.
When I was incapable, my husband loved me anyway. He took on my incapabilities and died to selfish desires. He did this so that I could live with him and help him pay the mortgage. ;)
I’d like to thank my husband for showing me love in a way that resembles Christ. Knowing I am in that kind of a relationship with my husband makes me feel that much more secure.
P.S. He claims that being my husband hasn’t been a complete sacrifice, and that I do have likeable qualities. I LOVE MY MAN!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Showing Love When You Can't Give Physically Part:5
I feel like this post has been the hardest for me to write on a variety of levels, and I’ve been dreading it for weeks. My top love receptor had been physical touch for a long time (excluding sex, since I waited until I was married for that). While my husband and I were still dating, holding hands, kissing, and hugs had been my way of checking our relationship’s temperature. Now that I’m married, with vulvodynia plaguing my body, I’ve learned to steer away from using that particular receptor, instead relying on my quality time and words of affirmation. Writing this post has brought back the need for that love language to be filled, and the associated feeling of disappointment. I feel unworthy of love because I can’t fully express love in the way that I see love. The feeling of ups and downs has been invading my bubble of coping and self-defense. So please excuse the mild depression. With that brief preface, I will now delve in.
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch:
You or Your spouse withdraws when physical contact is withheld.
You or Your spouse compares other couple’s touchiness to the lack of your own touchiness.
You or Your spouse... well, see if the following pictures describe you because they’ve totally come out of my personal experience.
There are only 4 jobs that allow you to touch other people: doctor, masseuse, esthetician (now a separate licensing from cosmetology), and cosmetologist. I happen to be a cosmetologist (a.k.a. hair stylist) by trade, and let me tell you, hair stylists hear everything. A simple touch like shampooing a person’s hair or touching their shoulder creates a dynamic link that allows them to be comfortable, even vulnerable. You wouldn’t believe how many personal stories have been confided to me by people I’ve barely met. I sincerely believe that this vulnerability is important in a marriage. Some people are not touchy, and those people can become vulnerable with any of the other 4 love languages, but for many people, and especially those who's primary love language is physical touch, a touch can make or break a relationship.
Of all the jobs that women can do within marriage, one stands out that cannot be delegated. You can hire a maid to clean house, you can hire a chef to cook, and you can hire someone to do the family accounting and it would not be sin. (I am by no means saying women can’t work out of the home, I am merely addressing being the helpmate in a marriage.) However, to delegate physical touch of your spouse would be sin.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This is the depressing part for me. I am tempted to feel that I am incapable of performing my most basic duty; that I can’t share my body the way it was supposed to be shared. Thankfully, there are many ways to experience physical touch. There is hand holding, snuggling, kissing, massage, kissing during massage, snuggling while kissing, and well... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) many other possibilities; it’s not just limited to PIV (which, by the way, does not stand for peanuts in Virginia).
“Your best instructor is your spouse, of course… Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love.” --The 5 Love Languages.
The Bible doesn’t say “Do not deprive each other of PIV sex except by mutual consent”. I believe it applies to all pleasurable touch. As hard as it may be, it is acceptable to inform your husband that something is uncomfortable. You are teaching him how to love you, just like he will teach you how to love him. Furthermore, sometimes even non-sexual touches can cause desires that lead to uncomfortable/painful situations, like sex, and in those cases it might be necessary to practice using your other love receptors. Again, it can be hard, but it is important to discuss these things with your spouse before making this kind of decision. Of course, just because PIV sex is not necessarily possible (like in my case) or too painful, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to sexually enjoy each other’s bodies. My husband and I still have things we enjoy.
A special thanks to my commenters; it’s always nice to know that I’m being read, and I cherish your comments. P.S. Sorry for the one huge picture, I tried to make it a size smaller, but then the dialogue was unreadable.
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch:
You or Your spouse withdraws when physical contact is withheld.
You or Your spouse compares other couple’s touchiness to the lack of your own touchiness.
You or Your spouse... well, see if the following pictures describe you because they’ve totally come out of my personal experience.
There are only 4 jobs that allow you to touch other people: doctor, masseuse, esthetician (now a separate licensing from cosmetology), and cosmetologist. I happen to be a cosmetologist (a.k.a. hair stylist) by trade, and let me tell you, hair stylists hear everything. A simple touch like shampooing a person’s hair or touching their shoulder creates a dynamic link that allows them to be comfortable, even vulnerable. You wouldn’t believe how many personal stories have been confided to me by people I’ve barely met. I sincerely believe that this vulnerability is important in a marriage. Some people are not touchy, and those people can become vulnerable with any of the other 4 love languages, but for many people, and especially those who's primary love language is physical touch, a touch can make or break a relationship.
Of all the jobs that women can do within marriage, one stands out that cannot be delegated. You can hire a maid to clean house, you can hire a chef to cook, and you can hire someone to do the family accounting and it would not be sin. (I am by no means saying women can’t work out of the home, I am merely addressing being the helpmate in a marriage.) However, to delegate physical touch of your spouse would be sin.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This is the depressing part for me. I am tempted to feel that I am incapable of performing my most basic duty; that I can’t share my body the way it was supposed to be shared. Thankfully, there are many ways to experience physical touch. There is hand holding, snuggling, kissing, massage, kissing during massage, snuggling while kissing, and well... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) many other possibilities; it’s not just limited to PIV (which, by the way, does not stand for peanuts in Virginia).
“Your best instructor is your spouse, of course… Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love.” --The 5 Love Languages.
The Bible doesn’t say “Do not deprive each other of PIV sex except by mutual consent”. I believe it applies to all pleasurable touch. As hard as it may be, it is acceptable to inform your husband that something is uncomfortable. You are teaching him how to love you, just like he will teach you how to love him. Furthermore, sometimes even non-sexual touches can cause desires that lead to uncomfortable/painful situations, like sex, and in those cases it might be necessary to practice using your other love receptors. Again, it can be hard, but it is important to discuss these things with your spouse before making this kind of decision. Of course, just because PIV sex is not necessarily possible (like in my case) or too painful, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to sexually enjoy each other’s bodies. My husband and I still have things we enjoy.
A special thanks to my commenters; it’s always nice to know that I’m being read, and I cherish your comments. P.S. Sorry for the one huge picture, I tried to make it a size smaller, but then the dialogue was unreadable.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 4 Update: Now with Comics
After such a long post break, I feel like I should apologize for this post not being absolutely amazing!
Moving in has been challenging, but I am now down to just a few more boxes. Unfortunately, in one of those boxes...somewhere...are my comic strip materials. So I hope to add my illustrations Wednesday evening. Update: Comics are added. Sorry it was Thursday instead. Our puppy, previously in my mother-in-law’s care, and our cat have put the challenge in challenging. Both are trying to assert dominance over the other.
Now the moment you’ve been waiting for (unless you were waiting for comics, in which case,Wednesday Thursday will be the night you’ve been waiting for), A REAL POST!
Recap:
For those who are new to Christians with Vulvodynia; first, welcome and second, last we left off we were in the middle of the series, “How to show love when you feel like you can’t give physically” based off Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. You can read the first post on quality time here, the second post of words of affirmation here, and the third post on acts of service here.
Receiving Gifts:
Out of the five, this is one of the harder for me to write about. Personally, I could care less about how often I receive gifts, but I love to give gifts. Gift giving is how I show love. This being the case, I thought this subject would be easier, however I’ve really had to think about it. My husband being the recipient of my loving (aka gifts), and the observer of my excitement over his birthday, his Christmas presents, his anniversary presents, phrased the phenomenon best: “Giving a gift is so personal, it is giving part of yourself.”
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts:
You or your spouse complain that nothing is ever brought to them
You or your spouse complain about the impersonality of gifts received
You or your spouse compare gifts given them versus others have received
You or your spouse hoard received presents or cards (beware of many many memory boxes)
You or your spouse react positively to even small received gifts (if personal)
The book talks about how a gift is a physical symbol of the status of the relationship. i.e. wedding rings. Personally, I look at it as a measurement of depth within a relationship; how much someone really knows or cares about you. For example, my husband is an electronics guy... more specifically an apple guy. He’s not, however, a tool guy. The men at our church generously threw him a tool party before our wedding. The tools were only recently used. My husband has used the tools some since we’ve moved into our own place, but not as much as his mother and I have, and definitely not as much as his Apple TV (my valentines day gift to him ;) )
Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’
2 Corinthians 9:7
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Isn’t it amazing that all love forms are covered in the Bible? Gift giving and receiving is known in many cultures and through a multitude of generations as one of the most common yet uniquely personal symbol of love.
With the economy at this time, a spouse who’s love language is receiving gifts (giving gifts (as in my case)) can seem terrifying, however the importance of a gift is the thought. Thought is what makes is personal, gives it meaning, and creates depth. Therefore, a gift (that is personal) need not be expensive.
Looking at the way I’ve gushed about gifts, and my list of tell-tale signs...I just might need to reexamine myself. Update: My husband laughs at my hoards of memory boxes and has threatened trash bags before, so yes this gets personal.
P.S. Next week I hope to cover the last of the five that relates closely to our condition.
Moving in has been challenging, but I am now down to just a few more boxes. Unfortunately, in one of those boxes...somewhere...are my comic strip materials. So I hope to add my illustrations Wednesday evening. Update: Comics are added. Sorry it was Thursday instead. Our puppy, previously in my mother-in-law’s care, and our cat have put the challenge in challenging. Both are trying to assert dominance over the other.
Now the moment you’ve been waiting for (unless you were waiting for comics, in which case,
Recap:
For those who are new to Christians with Vulvodynia; first, welcome and second, last we left off we were in the middle of the series, “How to show love when you feel like you can’t give physically” based off Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. You can read the first post on quality time here, the second post of words of affirmation here, and the third post on acts of service here.
Receiving Gifts:
Out of the five, this is one of the harder for me to write about. Personally, I could care less about how often I receive gifts, but I love to give gifts. Gift giving is how I show love. This being the case, I thought this subject would be easier, however I’ve really had to think about it. My husband being the recipient of my loving (aka gifts), and the observer of my excitement over his birthday, his Christmas presents, his anniversary presents, phrased the phenomenon best: “Giving a gift is so personal, it is giving part of yourself.”
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts:
You or your spouse complain that nothing is ever brought to them
You or your spouse complain about the impersonality of gifts received
You or your spouse compare gifts given them versus others have received
You or your spouse hoard received presents or cards (beware of many many memory boxes)
You or your spouse react positively to even small received gifts (if personal)
The book talks about how a gift is a physical symbol of the status of the relationship. i.e. wedding rings. Personally, I look at it as a measurement of depth within a relationship; how much someone really knows or cares about you. For example, my husband is an electronics guy... more specifically an apple guy. He’s not, however, a tool guy. The men at our church generously threw him a tool party before our wedding. The tools were only recently used. My husband has used the tools some since we’ve moved into our own place, but not as much as his mother and I have, and definitely not as much as his Apple TV (my valentines day gift to him ;) )
Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’
2 Corinthians 9:7
Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Isn’t it amazing that all love forms are covered in the Bible? Gift giving and receiving is known in many cultures and through a multitude of generations as one of the most common yet uniquely personal symbol of love.
With the economy at this time, a spouse who’s love language is receiving gifts (giving gifts (as in my case)) can seem terrifying, however the importance of a gift is the thought. Thought is what makes is personal, gives it meaning, and creates depth. Therefore, a gift (that is personal) need not be expensive.
Looking at the way I’ve gushed about gifts, and my list of tell-tale signs...I just might need to reexamine myself. Update: My husband laughs at my hoards of memory boxes and has threatened trash bags before, so yes this gets personal.
P.S. Next week I hope to cover the last of the five that relates closely to our condition.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Update Soon to Come
We have officially moved to the new place, which means:
I am closer to actually posting a real post. Unfortunately we do not get internet until next week, so I can't scan my comics until next Monday night. (I am at my mom's to post this update)
This week has been hard because, in the process of cleaning, moving boxes and organizing, my vajay-jay muscles have been spasming. It's amazing how one's body being tense affects everything else.
My mind has turned to mush.
One thing I did want to post was a link to my church's sermon audio podcast. It was called the Least of These and it is based on the lesson that our worth is in the fact that we are created by God and with purpose. It's the top on the list and called The Least of the These.
Till next week, hope you will have painless or less painful week.
I am closer to actually posting a real post. Unfortunately we do not get internet until next week, so I can't scan my comics until next Monday night. (I am at my mom's to post this update)
This week has been hard because, in the process of cleaning, moving boxes and organizing, my vajay-jay muscles have been spasming. It's amazing how one's body being tense affects everything else.
My mind has turned to mush.
One thing I did want to post was a link to my church's sermon audio podcast. It was called the Least of These and it is based on the lesson that our worth is in the fact that we are created by God and with purpose. It's the top on the list and called The Least of the These.
Till next week, hope you will have painless or less painful week.
Monday, March 14, 2011
An update on my list
The delay has been longer than anticipated. My guess is I will be back to my normal posting-self (with pictures too) in about two weeks.
My gyno appointment went well, I was able to get the 3rd size dilator in. However, it was extremely uncomfortable and I was sore for days after. Now that I am looser in the offending area, I feel the muscle spasms, he said I was having, almost everyday. So instead of only provoked pain, I have uncomfortability (word? I don't know) shooting from offending area down my right leg.
Painting is still happening, but today should be the last day, if not, definitely tomorrow.
The vet appointment was hard. As it turned out, my cat, Mousey, had ungloved the tip of his tail. Leaving only a few muscle tendons and some uncovered bone, so the vet had to snip the tip off. His tail is now 1/2 an inch shorter. And poor Mousey will never grow hair on the very tip again. However, it is healing well.
Moving should commence this Saturday, however, that will give me very little time to give a regular update, so I am setting a goal to finish the showing love series two weeks from now.
Hope you are all have a painless or less painful day.
My gyno appointment went well, I was able to get the 3rd size dilator in. However, it was extremely uncomfortable and I was sore for days after. Now that I am looser in the offending area, I feel the muscle spasms, he said I was having, almost everyday. So instead of only provoked pain, I have uncomfortability (word? I don't know) shooting from offending area down my right leg.
Painting is still happening, but today should be the last day, if not, definitely tomorrow.
The vet appointment was hard. As it turned out, my cat, Mousey, had ungloved the tip of his tail. Leaving only a few muscle tendons and some uncovered bone, so the vet had to snip the tip off. His tail is now 1/2 an inch shorter. And poor Mousey will never grow hair on the very tip again. However, it is healing well.
Moving should commence this Saturday, however, that will give me very little time to give a regular update, so I am setting a goal to finish the showing love series two weeks from now.
Hope you are all have a painless or less painful day.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A List of My Excuses For Not Posting A Real Post
We closed on our town house on Tuesday, so I have been running behind on writing the series. So unfortunately the series is postponed for a little while. I will post on the facebook Vulvodynia Support site when I have updated again.
Now for the list of reasons I can't post a real post
Lots of painting
Working hours later than my scheduled work day
More painting
Cleaning
Gyno appointment in the morning
And last but not least, I came home this evening to find that my baby kitty (Mousey) had an unfortunate accident. While closing a door, he let his tail slip into the hinge...He snipped off the tip of his tail. It looks so sad... Thankfully my mom was around so she was able to tend to it and called me.
And the actual last thing, the tail snippage has not seemed to affect him at all. He's running around as fast as his legs can carry him, with his pathetic tail waving behind...
Now for the list of reasons I can't post a real post
Lots of painting
Working hours later than my scheduled work day
More painting
Cleaning
Gyno appointment in the morning
And last but not least, I came home this evening to find that my baby kitty (Mousey) had an unfortunate accident. While closing a door, he let his tail slip into the hinge...He snipped off the tip of his tail. It looks so sad... Thankfully my mom was around so she was able to tend to it and called me.
And the actual last thing, the tail snippage has not seemed to affect him at all. He's running around as fast as his legs can carry him, with his pathetic tail waving behind...
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