Showing Love When You Can't Give Physically Part:5

I feel like this post has been the hardest for me to write on a variety of levels, and I’ve been dreading it for weeks.  My top love receptor had been physical touch for a long time (excluding sex, since I waited until I was married for that).  While my husband and I were still dating, holding hands, kissing, and hugs had been my way of checking our relationship’s temperature.  Now that I’m married, with vulvodynia plaguing my body, I’ve learned to steer away from using that particular receptor, instead relying on my quality time and words of affirmation.  Writing this post has brought back the need for that love language to be filled, and the associated feeling of disappointment.  I feel unworthy of love because I can’t fully express love in the way that I see love.  The feeling of ups and downs has been invading my bubble of coping and self-defense.  So please excuse the mild depression.  With that brief preface, I will now delve in.
 
Tell-tale Signs You or Your Spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch:
You or Your spouse withdraws when physical contact is withheld.
You or Your spouse compares other couple’s touchiness to the lack of your own touchiness.
You or Your spouse... well, see if the following pictures describe you because they’ve totally come out of my personal experience.

There are only 4 jobs that allow you to touch other people: doctor, masseuse, esthetician (now a separate licensing from cosmetology), and cosmetologist.  I happen to be a cosmetologist (a.k.a. hair stylist) by trade, and let me tell you, hair stylists hear everything.  A simple touch like shampooing a person’s hair or touching their shoulder creates a dynamic link that allows them to be comfortable, even vulnerable. You wouldn’t believe how many personal stories have been confided to me by people I’ve barely met.  I sincerely believe that this vulnerability is important in a marriage.  Some people are not touchy, and those people can become vulnerable with any of the other 4 love languages, but for many people, and especially those who's primary love language is physical touch, a touch can make or break a relationship.  

Of all the jobs that women can do within marriage, one stands out that cannot be delegated.  You can hire a maid to clean house, you can hire a chef to cook, and you can hire someone to do the family accounting and it would not be sin.  (I am by no means saying women can’t work out of the home, I am merely addressing being the helpmate in a marriage.)  However, to delegate physical touch of your spouse would be sin.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This is the depressing part for me. I am tempted to feel that I am incapable of performing my most basic duty; that I can’t share my body the way it was supposed to be shared. Thankfully, there are many ways to experience physical touch. There is hand holding, snuggling, kissing, massage, kissing during massage, snuggling while kissing, and well... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) many other possibilities; it’s not just limited to PIV (which, by the way, does not stand for peanuts in Virginia).

“Your best instructor is your spouse, of course… Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating.  To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love.” --The 5 Love Languages.

The Bible doesn’t say “Do not deprive each other of PIV sex except by mutual consent”.  I believe it applies to all pleasurable touch.  As hard as it may be, it is acceptable to inform your husband that something is uncomfortable.  You are teaching him how to love you, just like he will teach you how to love him.  Furthermore, sometimes even non-sexual touches can cause desires that lead to uncomfortable/painful situations, like sex, and in those cases it might be necessary to practice using your other love receptors.  Again, it can be hard, but it is important to discuss these things with your spouse before making this kind of decision.  Of course, just because PIV sex is not necessarily possible (like in my case) or too painful, it doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to sexually enjoy each other’s bodies.  My husband and I still have things we enjoy.

A special thanks to my commenters; it’s always nice to know that I’m being read, and I cherish your comments.  P.S. Sorry for the one huge picture, I tried to make it a size smaller, but then the dialogue was unreadable.