Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 3

Right now I am in a series covering five love languages, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can read the first post on quality time here and the second post of words of affirmation here.

Acts of Service:

My husband’s love language is acts of service, which means he loves it when I do chores.  I hate chores.  However, my mother trained me to do them because her husband’s (my father) love language is also acts of service.  Activities like cooking dinner transform from a duty to an action of love.  Its like killing two birds with one stone.  However, there is a problem when my husband tries to use his love language on me.  I appreciate that he takes out the trash and washes the dishes but that’s not how I feel love..but we covered that in Quality time and Words of Affirmation.

Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is Acts of Service:
You or your spouse complain that they never help.
You or your spouse complain that nothing ever gets done.
You or your spouse attack whatever seems to take time away from chores.


1 Corinthians 13:5
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  

When you’re with someone whose language is acts of service, simply asking, “What can I do to help?” can speak love in volumes.


Philippians 2:3-5  
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:


What attitude did Jesus have?


John 13:12-15
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.


Imagine two pitchers full of water.  If one pitcher is pouring into the other and the other pitcher doesn’t pour into the first, the first will eventually become dry.  If they pour into each other, neither will get dry.  We have to remember love-making is about serving the other.  True love-making is a husband serving his wife as his wife serves her husband.

You cannot be selfish when you are making love or it loses meaning. Your desire should be to show your spouse love.


Galatians 5:13
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

Post Delay

Dear Readers,

I must apologize.  I accidentally took a xanax (part of my assigned exercise routine from the Doctor)  before finishing up my drawings and post editing, and needless to say I am between the fuzzy part of mind-thought and clear thinking.  It feels much like a dream where the radio is playing in the background and you realize that it is not a radio but your alarm clock...actually that sentence made a lot more sense before I wrote it.  I fear I am going to wake up tomorrow and regret having posted this apology now. 

Before I continue to humiliate myself, I'm truly sorry for the let down.  My regular Monday post will now be postponed until either late Monday Evening or Tuesday morning.

By the way, my husband and I are getting ready to close on a town house tomorrow (another reason for the delay (helps me sound less like a failure)), please pray that it would actually happen tomorrow.

Have a painless or less painful day!

Showing Love When You Can’t Give Physically: Part 2

Right now I am in a series covering five love languages, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can read last week’s post on quality time here.  

Words of Affirmation:
Last post I mentioned that quality time was my primary love language.  However, “Words of Affirmation” is my secondary love language.  I have always appreciated compliments and they, like sunshine, positively effect my mood.  Criticism is almost worse than rain. I hate rain.  (In a movie, when it rains, you know that either something sad just happened, or is about to happen.)

Tell-tale signs that you or your spouse’s primary love language is “Words of Affirmation”:

• You or your spouse complain that your hard work is not appreciated.
• You or your spouse complain that you don’t seem needed in the relationship.
• You or your spouse attack another person who appears to be admired more (see example below).

Affirming one another speaks love by way of understanding the other as they are, communicating need of the other as they are, and conveying true appreciation for the other as they are.  It is the acknowledgment that your spouse is an important, non-expendable part of your relationship.  Love language or not, affirming one another is of utmost importance, because it allows vulnerability, which is part of being intimate and one with your spouse.  I am most vulnerable when I feel safe, and part of feeling safe is knowing that my husband loves me with or without my broken vagina.  That knowledge is imparted by the act of verbal communication.

The Bible actually has a lot to say about the use of words.  The harlot’s job was satisfying - not captivating (Proverbs 5:19) - simple men, and Proverbs 7 talks a lot about how she “set the mood”, as it were.  Yes, It talks about her having a sexy outfit, and nice perfumed bed sheets, but most importantly it talks about her speech.

Proverbs 7:21
With her flattering lips she seduced him.

Her speech is what seduced him.  In many cases of men who left their wives, they left for a woman who respected and flattered them.  Now, flattery is empty because there is no knowledge that gives it meaning, but as a husband and a wife, you can encourage one another because you know each other. You have knowledge to back up your uplifting words, so rather than just flattery, you have the potential to give real compliments.  You know the good things and the bad things, but you see each other for the good things.

For me, words of affirmation play a significant part in the intimate interactions with my husband.  Even with the progress I have made with expanding my, ahem, “problem area”, we still can’t have intercourse, and touch in that vicinity is uncomfortably sensitive.  Therefore, with intimate interactions, I become self-conscious.  If I can’t have sex, I want at least to be sexy.  My husband enables me to not only feel sexy but be vulnerable by showering me with kind and loving words during these times.

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety weighs down the heart,
  but a kind word cheers it up.

Everyone who’s heard the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” know that it’s a load of … rubbish.  Words can hurt.  Words can deceive.  However, words also have the power to bond, heal, and uplift.  And for some people (like me), these words of affirmation are instrumental in communicating love.

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
  and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Showing Love, When You Can't Give Physically

When I was single, I didn’t like Valentine’s day.  People holding hands was only a reminder that I didn’t have anybody to hold hands with.  I had one Valentines day with my husband before we got married, and I loved it.  After I got married, however, it was once again a reminder of something I didn’t have: that while other girls would buy lingerie and wait to be ravished by their guys, I wouldn’t be able to give that experience to my husband. Stupid Valentine’s Day.

Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed,
     and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
     may her breasts satisfy you always,
     may you ever be captivated by her love


Our bodies are suppose to be satisfying, and they can be, just not in the traditional way.  Often times, I am concerned that I will lose my husband because I can’t have intercourse, even though the Bible says that he will be captivated by my love. We are on the quest to make sex a possibility in our love-life, however it is important not to lose the “love” in the process.

I need to remember that love is not about sex.  So the question then becomes, how do we show love, if not through intercourse?  There is a book on this subject called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, where he talks about how people can see and show love in multiple ways. Chapman covers five different ways to show love: quality time, words of admiration, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to delve into each of these five love languages from a Biblical and personal perspective.

Quality Time:
“Many of us...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions.  We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.” -The Five Love Languages

I like the word “relationship”, because to me “relationship” means “quality time”.  To have a relationship with someone, you have to spend time with them.  This is one of my number one ways to experience love.  I am constantly asking my husband to spend more time with me.  To me, time with my husband is me giving part of my life to him and visa-versa.  That is part of my life/time I will never get back, but I am okay with that because he is worth it.  :) When he does it for me, well hot-damn, I feel precious to him!

Tell-tale signs you or your spouse’s primary love language is quality time:

• You or your spouse complain about time not spent together
• You or your spouse complain that there is not enough one-on-one time
• You or your spouse attack the perceived thief of time (job, friends, family, etc.)  My husband can attest to this. 

In the movie Shall We Dance, the wife hires a detective because she suspects her husband of cheating (because he is not home with her), only to find he’s dancing.  My favorite quote comes when the detective asks her why she thinks people get married, if not for passion.  This is her answer:

“Because we need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean?  But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything --
the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...All of it.  All the time, everyday.   You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’”


In many ways it’s true.  I mean, obviously, God fulfills all our needs. He witnesses and notices our lives.


But then the Lord says in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good for man to be alone, and then in Genesis 4:1 He talks about how Adam knew Eve.  In marriage and in love-making there is a profound vulnerability that comes from walking together and knowing one another.  As a wife, it is my job to be a helpmate to my husband, by sharing and witnessing his life - by knowing him.


(Notice I say “love-making” or “knowing”, and not sex or intercourse.  I say that because love-making isn’t sex, it isn’t intercourse, it is so much more.  It can include those things, but by definition “love-making” is showing love in an intimate way, beyond the cheapness that sex has become.)


With people who’s primary love language is quality time, it becomes extremely important to dedicate focused time to the relationship with them.  My husband and I won’t be having sex tonight, but we’ll be love-making... by spending some quality time over sushi. :)

Happy Valentines Day :)

Finding the Opportunity

Have you ever had one of those situations where you just don’t know what to do?  And no, I am not talking about meal choices, or what to name your pet platypus (I would totally go with chicken fingers and the name Perry, just saying).  I am talking about where you know what the end is suppose to look like, but its a triple-spiral-labyrinth to get there.  You know the overall goal of what needs to be done, but you’re as close to getting it done as a chimpanzee trying to make a bike with a screwdriver.

I find this a common occurrence on a mission’s trip.  Everyone is packing.  I know I should be packing, but I don’t know the system, and I am too embarrassed to ask.  So I do something like alphabetize the folders?  I mean, seriously, that is organizational!  How could that not be helpful?!  Just look, you can find Ben’s name right after Amy’s.

This is a problem I face in my relationship with God.  I have a general idea of what my life with Him is suppose to entail, however when it comes to specific situations I busy myself with spiritual ideas (God could heal me, I should pray, maybe I’ll go read my Bible more).


Ephesians 5:15-17,20
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.


1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials. That the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.


Romans 8:28-29
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.  For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.


We are suppose to make the most of every situation and understand the will of the Lord.  All of the trials we face are for our good, to make us closer to Christ, and to give us the opportunity to praise and honor Him.  Only when I looked at Vulvodynia as that kind of opportunity did I experience emotional relief.  Logically, if every trial has a purpose and a reason, until we fulfil our calling/purpose, that trial will persist.



These are the questions I had to ask myself:
How are you using your opportunity?
What is your calling in this situation?