Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

Once a month, we gather with some friends and discuss writings that teach Biblical principals and ideas or written by theologians.  This past week was the first chapter of "A Grief Observed" written by C.S. Lewis.  Here is an excerpt:

"... Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
I tried to put some of these thoughts to C. this afternoon. He reminded me that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ: 'Why hast Thou forsaken Me?'"

C.S. Lewis was writing after the death of his wife, but somehow I feel it applies to the way I feel about our suffering with this condition.  Obviously the situations are different, but the feeling of loss, emptiness, and overwhelming loneliness are the same, if not nearly the same.

It seems ironic to say, that as a Christian I would ask "where is God" more, but as a Christian I know that there is a God and He seems distant.  Vulvodynia affects everyone on a physical and emotional level, is it fair to say that as a Christian it also affects us on a spiritual level?  Where is God?  Why has He forsaken me?

Deut 31:6  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Hebrews 13:5b  "because God has said,  'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" 

If God says He will never leave or forsake us, is the feeling of abandonment then wrong-placed?  Have we abandoned our focus on the Lord?  Are we looking where we want answers and avoiding the areas of our lives in which He is giving them?  Just a thought...

The Funk

Part of the reason it has taken so long to write aside from morning sickness and overwhelming exhaustion, is the fear that somehow my view on our condition would matter less now that I am pregnant.  Maybe this fear is stupid, maybe its not.  Either way, I shouldn’t have assumed.  

I have missed writing, I've missed being able to share my difficulties, and I've missed hoping something good will come out of them.

These last couple of months have been filled with doctor appointments and weddings.  I am not sure about any of you, but every time I go to a wedding, I am reminded of my wedding night...and the failure.  With that memory, I find myself heading into “the funk”.  You know, its that place where reason leaves, your brain is blurry, and there is always that one rain cloud that follows you around and you can’t seem to get away.

My next step in “the funk” for me have been all the doctors appointments.  Apparently unbeknownst to me, OBGYN’s expect you to see almost every doctor in the clinic, since you won’t know which doctor is on call the night you deliver.  It insures that you have probably shook hands with the doctor who will be guiding you through labor.  This seems completely reasonable until you realize that once a month you will be explaining to a new doctor that you still have vaginismus and could they go slow.  

My last appointment was a doozy.  The doctor seemed to think that giving me instructions on what I could and could not eat would be enough of a distraction to get me through my pap smear.  Few doctors realize it is an involuntary muscle spasm, they think its control by fear.  I think the involuntary muscle spasm controls the fear, not the other way around.  Either way my muscles tried to refuse the exam and shut down on the alligator tool...thankfully they were already on their way out anyway.  My body has been spasming since.

Job lost his children, he lost is livestock aka his job, and then he lost his health.  All the while he didn’t curse God.  Hearing his story, I found it perfectly reasonable for his to be in a funk.  That is until God reminded him and me how powerful He is and who He is.  Do we really have the right to question the One who created all things?  Can we really think that He doesn’t know what we are going through?  

“So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again!...
Savior, He can move the mountains my God is mighty to save!  He is mighty to save!”

Crossed between both worlds

I have not written for a long time, as I am sure you can tell.  This is in part due to not knowing what to write.  I feel as though I have been put in a place of in between.  Having achieved the impossible, sex and pregnancy, but still feeling extreme pain I feel that I no longer stand on one side or the other.

I'm very excited for our little miracle baby to arrive.  Unfortunately, my doctor who has helped me make this achievement is no longer doing OB.  Also, unexpectedly the practice expects you to see all OB's since you never know which doctor will be available during labor.  So that being said, my first OB thinks that despite my vaginal issues I should try for a natural birth, they think it should remove the rest of my pain.  This would be amazing, except I have my doubts.  Most of the women in my family had trouble with the actual birthing process.

Its an interesting phenomenon, the things you desire most bring on there own challenges.  Still dealing with pain, monthly exams and an internal ultrasound (did not know they did that), child birth, I know they will be worth it but all these things bring on new fears and the old need to rely on my Lord.


Jeremiah 29:111
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
 
I think this post was more rambling than writing....

P.S. The internal ultrasound, though uncomfortable, went very well.  Baby has a beautiful heartbeat :D  Arrival is estimated for January 12th

Long Overdue

My life has been chaotic, leaving little to no-time to write.  However, writing has been long overdue.

My boss quit the salon I was working at and recently started a new one.  Before I found out about the little bundle on the way, I had agreed to go with him.  I thought there would be time, time before he moved, time to rest with his other assistant back in town, but there has been none. 
Thankfully the schedule has not been a full one, and my boss is kind and very understanding of my physical needs to rest.

Unfortunately, that need to rest and the need to be sick is quickly progressing.  Last week, I felt fine except most evenings.  Now I feel sick all day, from the moment I wake up till going to bed.

Despite it all, the new job, the morning sickness, the baby on the way I am consistently reminded of the blessings and the fulfilled promises.

I was getting exhausted with my job, most assistants for my boss last a year and a half.  I've been working with him for two and a half years and now I have an end date in site.  My last day is Oct 29th. unless something outside of my control changes that.  I have enjoyed working with him and he treats me very well, if I had to work I would definitely work with him.  However, I am still excited that my last day is Oct 29th.

Now, for God's fulfilled promise.  Actually, if you are overseas I would love to hear from you because you've played a special part. 

In the earlier post God are You listening? I talked about how the Lord told me who my husband was going to be.  The same girl, the metro girl, who had prophesied that Jesse would be my husband had made me another prophesy. 

When I had called her to excitedly tell her of our engagement, she asked to pray for us.  When she was praying she asked the Lord to bless us as we had our children while we were sharing scripture overseas.  Apparently I  didn't learn the first time, because I thought she was crazy.  Jesse and I, didn't live overseas and weren't planning on it.  Then when we got married and I started dealing with the vaginismus, I thought it would never happen.  Amazingly enough, I started a blog, that talked about how scripture applied to our condition and the emotional issues that come with vulvodynia.

Sex is still painful, but possible and according to the stats I see some readers from overseas, and I am pregnant... So, I would love to hear from you!

Deut 7:9
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.

Daniel 9:4
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed and said, "Alas, O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant and lovingkindness for those who love Him and keep His commandments,

The Lord brought His people out of Egypt, He gave them their promised land, He promised the Messiah, Jesus Christ, His son, the man who was promised that he would not die till he saw Jesus as a baby; the Bible is full of examples of the Lord’s faithfulness and promises kept.  -New Year's Resolutions

A baby is the promise He had given and is keeping to me and for him/her I am truly blessed.

P.S. With all the morning sickness it has been difficult to find to sit up and write through.  So unfortunately this piece has not been edited to I apologize.  Second, I would love it, if anyone who would be interested in sharing the story and how God has shown himself through their condition, would write me so we could have a guest writer.

So if you are from overseas or willing to be a guest writer or both, please send me an e-mail at
Veronica.P.Coleman@gmail.com

Small Delay

I did have plans to write.  I thought through wording and pictures.  I planned to do these things and I got distracted.

Apparently I've had very little break, from the time I lost my V-Card to actual pregnancy. 

Pregnancy was something I thought would never happen due to the inability to actually have sex.  With the birth control making me sick, and PIV not a possibility, I went off the pill a year and a half ago.  When we did start having sex, it was a bit of a shock.  I mean a good one, but we weren't actually prepared that sex would happen.  Seeing as there has been some difficulty sliding into home, we avoided using the rubbers the other times.

I had what I thought would be my last gyno appointment on Thursday.  My doctor informed me that all that needed to be done was practice, since I am significantly better.  I decided to ask how to tell when I am ovulating.  We looked at my cycle, he told me when I would ovulate and because I didn't have to go to the bathroom that was that.  When I got home that evening, I looked at the calender.

The DAY that I lost my V-card began my ovulation cycle.  So the next morning, I took a test and behold a plus sign.  I've taken 3 more tests and the plus continues to show up and faster each time.

We are both truly excited and blessed to have the opportunity to be parents.  It will however be challenging to deal with pregnancy symptoms and a sore vajay jay.  So please keep us in your prayers.

Bad Blogger Award

I deserve the bad blogger award.  Constantly putting my writing on hold was not the plan, it just happened.  I have two topics in mind, but have not had both adequate time and energy at the same time.  Working extra hours at the salon has made my normally busy week chaotic.  In addition, I started my Mary Kay business.  (If you'd like, shop online with me at www.marykay.com/rcoleman1424 )

My salon work is supposed to slow down, so I hope to be back to my usual weekly comic posting self next week.

Now for the update I promised:

After what seemed like an eternity, I had resigned myself to the thought that I would be in a constant state of treatment.  The doctor kept saying that I had come so far and that this time I should be able to try.  The last appointment seemed like a failure, when I told him again that we had been unsuccessful. 

He gave a few helpful suggestions:
1. Having a clean digestive system (eat your yogurt and your flax, constipation can cause unnecessary pressure)
2. Ladies, prop your bottoms up with pillows, angle change maybe part of what your looking for.

They made all the difference in the world.  Since we had moved into our new home I refused to try the deed in our bedroom.  I was so afraid I would turn yet another room into a place of failure.  However, for some reason that particular Friday evening I wasn't thinking, and we were in our bedroom.  We got half way there.  Extremely exciting and nervous, Sunday night, I took a left over Vicodine (which I had received from my hymenotomy). The event was very slow and still very painful but we did it, we lost our V-cards.  The moment I had waited so long for had come. I felt so stupid because I started to cry out of excitement.  It felt so unreal, I had come to think it would never happen and then it did.  The Lord is good, I will not forget all His goodness, for He has blessed me and I am full.

I still have extremely painful beginnings.  Sometimes I don't think I can do it.  Yet, once past a certain point it's bearable and occasionally good.  I still have work to do, but coming this far...I'm just so excited to have come this far.

I hope that you are all having a painless or less painful day. 

Quick Update, more to follow!

I am praising God! After weeks of what felt like a "standstill", I was able to have sex! Yes, PIV sex! It was very painful, but right now it doesn't matter.

I will give a little bit of a more detailed update later.